SOUNDS OF A CAR NOT STARTING
ENGINE STARTS AND BACKFIRES
WORK CONTINUES ON THE CAR
'Ow d'you get marmalade off a ferret?
I should first ask it nicely if I could have the jar back.
I wouldn't bother - if the ferret had the marmalade, I'd go for the jam.
Yes, that's probably the best solution.
It 'asn't got the whole jar.
Or possibly honey.
HONEY! Eugh! I don't know 'ow anybody can eat honey.
They'll have to if the ferret's got the marmalade.
What's wrong with honey? It's very nutritious.
What's wrong with honey? D'you know what honey is?
Of course we know what honey is.
Then what is it, Oh, Mighty Mouth?
Well, it's..er... It's that stuff the ferret hasn't got.
Honey is a natural product.
It's a natural product all right - it's bee spit!
Well, milk's been in some funny places too - and God knows where beefburgers come from!
Well, I don't know 'ow anyone can put honey on their bread.
Well, I don't know how anyone can put marmalade on ferrets.
I 'ad this nosey young ferret explorin' me marmalade.
I'd left the lid off the jar.
What I can't understand, is why anyone keeps a ferret in a jar.
ENGINE STARTS AGAIN
BACKFIRES AND STOPS
ANGRY SHOUTS FROM THE SHED
I were up at half past three this mornin' dancin' round me bed.
Modern or Olde Tyme?
Cramp, yer daft buttock! Nasty. It were agony.
Huh! You don't know what agony is.
Well, it gave me gip, I tell thee.
The back of me calf were all knotted up, like Nora Batty's stocking leg.
Y'know that's one thing I can't stand about that woman, 'er wrinkled stockin' legs.
Maybe her stockings are all right - it could be her legs that are wrinkled.
Urgh! What a 'orrible thought!
Nobody knows what agony is...
..till they've had trained knuckles digging into certain fatal pressure points...
..known only to those of us who have undergone the ultimate in combat experience.
COMPO BLOWS A RASPBERRY
That's the last noise they make before going limp in yer fingers.
Tha were never anywhere near combat experience.
That's true, how did you ever manage to avoid holy wedlock in that cunning manner, Foggy?
'E were terrified.
It's one of the sacrifices you have to make.
No little woman waiting at the cottage door - Never the patter of tiny feet.
Not being able to go browsing round Mothercare.
Just some of the snags of being a professional killer. Tha were a corporal signwriter!
Yes...
..but you should've seen him sharpen his pencils.
I used to do a lot of training...
..in me own time. Rubbish!
I didn't know y'could speak...
..upside down. Nothin' to it.
Not for you, you must have a flair for it.
That's it, I've got a flair for it.
I didn't waste my time in the army.
I used to take advantage of the various further education courses.
I used to take advantage of Gloria Pendleberry.
I thought there was always a queue.
Only in the war.
I took courses in Basic Russian, Flower Painting and Advanced Silent Killing.
Y'know, what gets me is, every time yer go upside down, yer blood rushes to y'head.
Think it should stop at yer neck?
No! What I mean is, when yer straighten up, why doesn't it rush to yer feet?
Don't think anything's going to be in a rush to get to YOUR feet.
Huh! Advanced Silent Killin'!
Tha's never done any Advance Silent Killin'!
That's not what he's claimed.
Oh, yes it is.
What he claims to have done is a course on Flower Painting and Silent Killing.
They weren't the same course. Oh, sorry.
Come on, get a move on.
I never like to make too much of these things, but, if the need ever arose...
I could take out a sentry with one hand.
If the sentry's only got one hand, he'd be grateful for being taken out by anybody.
ENGINE STARTS AGAIN
EXCITED SHOUTS FROM INSIDE
Were yer listenin'? Did yer hear that?
Fighting fit was that! By hell, she sounds fit.
She's a beast is that - That's power is that.
She's coupled up to a racing frame.
Kee-yowie! That's how she'll go.
Zap! Whoosh!
What d'you think? Zap?
Right!
Whoosh.
Kee-yowie!
That's a lot of engine, for driving yer cap.
Not the cap, yer great dollop. Me car! You heard her - how did she sound to you?
Noisy.
I told yer, she's a beast! What a throat on her!
One or 2 wrinkles to be ironed out, but basically she's....
How DID she sound to yer?
Terrible.
Rubbish!
That's it! That's 'ow she sounded.
She'll go, I tell yer!
She'll REALLY GO!
Obviously a mechanical idiot.
Well, we really made his day.
Whose day?
The fella with the big engine.
What sort?
Don't know, 'e keeps it in a shed. Up the hill? Aye - does tha know 'im?
Wesley Pegden, he's retired now.
From being Wesley Pegden?
From work!
I thought 'e looked sensible.
He looked like an idiot, throwing his cap, getting over excited.
"She'll go y'know! She'll go!
"A few wrinkles.
"Listen to that engine.
"She's a beast is that - Oh the beast, the beast.
"Listen to the throat on her."
The only throat I can 'ear is YOU!
Why didn't you tell me?
Has tha ever tried tellin' thee anythin'? There's no harm done.
She probably thinks I'm an idiot.
She does, she thinks yer'an idiot.
There, how can yer say no harm's done?
No harm's done, she always thought you were an idiot.
I've yet to meet the man who isn't.
Why don't we advertise?
What did you say? What did you just say? Don't you start being clever.
Eyup!
Who ordered flowers?
Oh, well.
And they wonder if there's life on other planets - I'm still wonderin' if there's any on this!
Why anybody bothered inventin' lumps of plastic, when we've already got the male sex, beats me!
A word with you, in the kitchen.
What about?
In the kitchen.
I was goin' in there anyway.
It's bad when Ivy goes quiet.
Pretty terrible when she's noisy.
When does he ever have it good?
OOH!
Sounds like 'e's gettin' it now.
Come on, Foggy - explain how you avoided wedlock.
I was quick on me feet like. Like what? POTS CRASH Like this.
I can't help thinking about Sid.
I can't help thinkin' about Nora Batty.
What's that got to do with Sid?
Nowt, just thought I'd mention it.
Just keep y'mouth closed till you come up with something practical.
Something practical? Yes.
That's a good idea. Until you do, just keep quiet.
Norm, we're lookin' for a good idea. Right.
Right, a good idea.
Got it!
A good idea?
Beauty. Practical? Absolutely.
Well, get on with it.
A pair o' garters.
A pair of what?
A pair o' frilly garters.
How are they going to help Sid?
I don't see Sid in frilly garters.
They're not for Sid! For Nora Batty! To take the wrinkles out o' her stockin's.
An' look pretty tasty an'all.
Nora's stockings in frilly garters? That's like tying ribbon round the coal bin.
Never mind his peculiar fantasies.
What can he mean?
What CAN 'e mean?
Can't we spare a thought for Sid?
The last time tha spared a thought for Sid, tha called him a double...
That was when he was in his prime.
Now we find him cut down by near terminal matrimony, it's our duty to rally round.
I'll help him any way I can, but I'm not tackling Ivy physically - Understood? I'm not tackling Ivy!
Don't panic! I'm in me own house, I'm entitled to panic.
It'd take a big bloke and a lot of ale to tackle Ivy physically.
I'd 'ave to be desperate.
But you ARE desperate. True, but could I afford the ale?
There'll be no need to tackle Ivy physically.
That was a near thing. A narrow squeak.
That's all there'd be left by the time she'd finished with you!
We've got to help Sid to make up the prestige he's lost in Ivy's eyes.
We've got to build him up, imagewise.
At the moment she seems to see him as something of a big dick.
Why's that, d'you think?
Well, in my view, it's due, almost entirely, to the fact that he IS something of a big dick.
Which leaves us with a problem. True.
We won't change him entirely? The nicest people I know have always been something of a big dick.
Not at all, no.
All we've got to do is alter Ivy's opinion of him a bit, that's all.
That's all right then, as long as y'not asking me to reduce society's most precious commodity.
There are far too many boring, serious beggars about - we need all the big daft dicks we can get.
Don't worry, there'll still be a few about.
I wonder who sells frilly garters.
See what I mean?
SOUNDS OF ENGINE STARTING
LOUD BACKFIRES THEN SILENCE
So she's got a few teething troubles.
Y'can't expect to crack the 5 sec barrier without a few troubles.
What's the 5 second barrier?
I think he wants the engine to run for longer than 5 seconds.
If you look closely, you'll observe that what we have here...
..is the kind of disorganised little prawn...
..that is waiting for help to arrive in the form of persons with superior leadership ability.
You've been exceptionally lucky, Wesley.
At exactly the right time you just happen to have fallen into just the right sort of capable hands.
Hey, wow, Wesley - How lucky can you get!
COMPO BLOWS A RASPBERRY
2 years solid I've been at that machine, it's been me ambition.
I always promised meself, as soon as I retired, I'd get down to buildin' this hairy beast.
And then one day - ZA ZOOM!
Nought to 60 in 5 seconds - That's what I'm after, y'know, nought to 60 in 5 seconds.
Za zoom?
Like a bat out of... Don't you mean more like - cough, cough, stoff, tup, tap, tiff, waarghk!
Teethin' troubles - She'll do it, y'know - there's 2 years of my life in that machine.
Ah! But, 'as tha got petrol in it?
Does 'e belong wi' your party?
Only on a temporary basis - We're looking after him...
..till the authorities can find a place for him.
The point is, Wesley, what are you going to DO with this machine? Do?
Nought to 60 in 5 seconds.
What do you need for that?
Very strong elastic.
I need a bit o' straight road, free from traffic, then WHOOSH!
An' somebody with a stop watch.
A stop watch!
All y'need for that old banger is somebody with a cuckoo clock!
Given time, I'm sure people can get quite unattached to you.
That's true.
Relax, Wesley, you are looking at one of the finest stop watch operators outside official circles.
That's where he'll have you going - in circles.
Ignore this constant bickering, Wesley - place yourself in these competent hands.
Wesley, wouldn't you feel easier in your mind, if you could get on with the mechanical part of it.
And leave the organising and logistics to some efficient second party?
I would, I would.
I accept.
Of course what you really need, Wesley, is a driver.
NO! Definitely not! Forget it! No way!
I've 'ad enough of your barmy schemes. Sit down. No thank you.
Him?
No! What sort of an idiot is going to choose him?
I WAS wonderin'.
If it's not him, would you care to explain who you've got in mind?
Calm down, it's not you either. He heard that, I've got a witness.
You've my word, as a corporal and a gentleman. Hitler was a corporal.
Not in my regiment.
Compo, it's all right, you can come back now - he's got some other idiot in mind.
'E's going to involve me, I can feel it, 'e always ends up with me.
Nobody's going to involve you.
I thought I'd be doin' me own drivin'.
Ah..well...no - No, it's not advisable, no.
Needs a younger man - Razor sharp reflexes - There'll be some danger.
Aye, some danger.
Did you 'ear that? What did I tell thee?
You leave the choice of driver to me - I want you to free your mind of all these details.
Well, if there's going to be danger.
Hey, Tinkerbell! Forget it!
He gives some very clear hand signals for a non-driver.
HIM?
Him.
What's up wi' you lot?
He doesn't look like a daredevil driver. 'E certainly doesn't look like a daredevil driver!
Daredevil driver?
We bring good tidings.
Look, 'ave yer wiped y'feet? She's raisin' 'ell about the floor. Relax.
Your days of anxious hatch-watching are nearly over.
What d'you mean? Who goes about hatch-watchin'?
You think all I've got to worry about is her watchin'?
'Ow do, Ivy.
Love yer pinny, Sid.
Oh, that's definitely...
..a racin' driver's pinny!
You've been making all the wrong moves, Sidney.
That's what our lass keeps tellin' me, and tellin' me, and tellin'me.
Help is at hand. What time does Ivy go out to get her hair done?
About three o'clock.
We'll be back.
And get that cooker cleaned.
Don't be makin' a fool of y'self if that bus conductress comes in.
And don't be lettin' 'er poke my sandwiches with 'er bell finger.
That's tremendous!
It's ridiculous.
No, only the top half's ridiculous, it's the bottom half that's tremendous.
See, 'e thinks it's ridiculous. I was only joking. He was joking.
Eyup! It's Biggles!
That does it!
Will you kindly handle that gear carefully - it's taken me years to collect that military equipment.
Now you shut up - and where have you been?
Y'told us to see what we could get for Sid and 'is racin' machine.
I'm not goin' in a racin' machine.
It's just nerves - What did you find?
These.
But they're not racing equipment. They look pretty racy to me.
I'm not wearin' those! Of course you're not wearing those. Of course you're not wearin' these.
I've got other plans for these!
Didn't you find anything for him? Are you completely useless?
Norm, does tha think I'm completely useless?
Oh, every time - it's one of your most striking features. Ta.
I borrowed this off Wilf - it's 'is best scarf.
The finishing touch.
What's 'e mean, finishin'?
You're not going to be a big Mary about this, are you? I think I might - yes, I think I might.
It's the hint of danger about driving Wesley's car that'll build up your image in Ivy's eyes.
And here's the beauty.. No, here's the beauty, I'm not goin' t'do it.
That's it! Exactly! You won't have to.
You just have to pretend you're keen to risk life and limb - it's not your fault it never starts.
Never?
Never! Never! Never!
Oh, well, then.
Genius! A touch of genius.
All we have to do, is wait for Ivy to find you in this glamorous outfit.
She's coming.
She's coming, Sidney.
HYSTERICAL SCREAM FROM IVY
It's only me!
I 'ave t'do it, Ivy.
The speed! The danger!
(The challenge) The challenge!
(A man has to drive himself to the limits.)
A man has to drive himself to the limits.
I'm goin' racin'!
A man has to do, what he has to do!
You great tomfool!
I leave you for 2 minutes! Is the cooker cleaned?
You were right, Foggy - that's done wonders for his image.
Eyup! I 'ope she don't strangle 'im with Wilf's scarf.
Unreasonable sort of woman. Well, back to the drawing board.
It's embarrassing for me, y'know - I promised Wesley a driver.
NO!
What are you worried about?
It's never going to go.
Not with me in it, it's not.
You drive it. No, no, no, I'm on the stop watch.
Eyup! Dicin' wi' death, single 'anded on the stop watch.
Don't you want to make an impression on Nora Batty?
No.
Does 'e know what 'e's doin'?
Judging by his faintly green colour, I'd say, yes, he knows what he's doing.
I never knew 'e 'ad it in 'im.
It's almost like knowin' somebody famous.
'E's quiet.
In't 'e quiet?
'E's 'ardly said a rude word.
Somethin' else on 'is mind.
No 'e 'asn't - Same old thing.
Got to admire 'is nerve.
Wear this for me, Nora.
'Ow can yer refuse 'im - it might be 'is last bit o' pleasure.
Dammit! Me goggles are steamin' up!
Hey, it's not goin' t'go, is it? No, it's not going to go.
That's my neighbour, y'know - yes, we've been quite close for years.
Ooh, 'e's terrible - 'e's always doin' that. Mind you, never anythin' improper.
Wear this for me. Oh, Nora!
I'm 'avin' a great day, so don't let anythin' spoil it.
Like some daft buttock gettin' this thing started.
I admire your nerve, kid - I never thought I'd see anyone kiss Nora Batty without a safety belt on.
Righty ho! CON-TACT!
Stand clear.
Is he on fire?
Probably just...
..smouldering a bit.
Sounds fun.
I've never seen anythin' so brave.
Give 'im air, give 'im air!
Never mind about air, let's 'ave a flash of yer garter.
So, I've still got a few wrinkles to iron out.